Day 3 and 4

Much like new parents in the aftermath of the birth of their first child, we election  survivors have been measuring our lives in hours, then days.   The intensity of feeling in each moment, the bone-tired, the complete loss of normalcy-- its is striking how much this period of my life is parallel to the shock of parenting.  Terrifying, and daunting, and unknown.  So much to learn and a wealth of contrary advice with no real guidebook in sight.   Exhausting effort alternating with periods of quiet waiting.   Feeling drained and like you've lost yourself completely, and, in the dark small hours of the night, inconsolable baby in arms, like maybe your life will never be better again.

And then the days go by and you figure out how to do the work you need to do,  And you put one foot in front of the other and hold on to the smiles and start to measure time in weeks, months.  Years.  You mark milestones, accomplish goals, settle into a routine, reach for goals.  A some point you realize, you feel like yourself again. Only, yourself transformed.  Through the fire and out the other side.  And even though life is kind of normal again it will never be way it was before.  And you look back at who you used to be and wonder what you were *doing* with all that spare time, shocked at how you squandered it.

I'm kind of in that place right now, except for the fact that this is completely different.  When I became a parent, I was granted an incredible gift, and had the consolation of a snuggly bundle of potential and hope for the future, to get me through those long nights.  This week, we are facing the prospect of having our democracy systematically dismantled, our sense of security and equity and social progress taken away.  Yeah.  Not so cute and snuggly.  Not so full of hope.

I am not trying to downplay our nation's current situation with my analogy.  There is scary, real shit going on in our country.   People of color and immigrants and Muslims are being directly threatened and harassed.  I have Jewish friends who are paralyzed by the echoes of the Holocaust that are everywhere in our new leader's rhetoric.  We are looking at some very real consequences for our environment and our freedoms with this change in administration.  

Its not really the same thing at all.  

But the sleepless small hours feel almost the same. When I was a new mother I felt utterly trapped at times, powerless.  There was no going back and no control over how things might move forward.  

I am feeling that way now.   

Everyone I knew was telling me the right way to do things, how I should feel, what might work.  Implicit in their advice was the fact that I didn't know what I was doing, that their way was the right way.  Even if I'd heard the exact opposite from someone else. 

I am feeling that way now. 

If you had talked to me when my first baby was 3 weeks old, and you'd assured me that  soon  I'd be parenting a child who could brush his own teeth, read and discuss a novel, and sleep through the night consistently, I would have laughed caustically and handed you my colicky son so YOU could take a turn walking him, because it was NEVER going to be different than this.

I think I am feeling that way now.

But I also think I'm getting ready to start measuring time in weeks, not days.  Feeling a little bit less lost, a little tiny bit more capable of dealing with this strange new world. 

I am looking at my children across the room from me right now,  tall and healthy and the most beautiful, joyful accomplishments of my life, and those dark small hours, the fear and the lost-ness and the utter exhaustion seem both a long way away and a very small price to pay for this payoff.

Sadly, I have a very hard time envisioning any positive payoff from this election, for our nation.  I think, best-case scenario, we will backslide in every possible arena, losing any gains in our social progress, liberties, and economic growth that were made in the last 8 years.  While I am prepared to write letters, attend meetings, and march in protests along the way, I am aware there is little if anything I can do to change the outcome of this political disaster.

But I can change myself.  And maybe we (and by we I mean myself and my white, liberal, privileged friends) can change ourselves as a group.  Through the fire and out the other side. 

And so I am hoping that in the future, when we survive this, we will have something to show.  We will be better.  We will be stronger.  We will be more capable of the real work it takes to build equity.  We will take action instead of just talking.  We will no longer sit idle and squander our time.  We will have something to show for it. 

I know.  That's pretty hokey and a silly thing to think about right now. But its on my mind and so I am putting it out there because maybe its on your mind too.

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Day 3 and 4 Accomplishments: 

Spent time with my friends.  In person, real ones.  WIth hugs and everything.  And tears and drinking and laughter, real laughter.  That was nice.

Started to set  up a blanket drive, in partnership with Carry the Future, for Syrian refugees trapped at a camp on the border with Jordan, brutal winter coming.  Because talk about some real shit going on. Syria- wow.  I am worried for my country. I am heartbroken for theirs.  Collecting baby blankets and sending them to the collection point in Virginia-- that is something I can DO.  And taking action is awesome. 

Was thoroughly overwhelmed by the wealth of opportunities for political giving and action tthat are being presented by my online communities.  Have not made any decisions about the giving, but will be attending a meeting with SURJ (Standing up for racial justice) next week. 

Started drafting a letter to Senators who are against Trump.  Did not finish that draft.  Now thinking of writing other letters, too.  A wealth of opportunities for letter writing.   Still seeking my focus there. 

Went to the gym on Friday despite every fiber of my being telling me to stay in bed.  I get to feel hard core for doing that.  

Went to see some theater with my mom, and hashed out some of our feelings about this week. Saw "Finding Neverland" which was just the perfect thing to see.  Envisioning our future, believing, honoring childhood.  Catchy music, terrific set design, funny and sappy all at once-- I recommend. 

Almost caught up on the laundry.

Started to feel pretty normal from time to time, if exhausted.  Caught myself feeling normal and reminded myself that maybe I shouldn't  feel normal.  Its a surprise every time to see the world continuing on as though nothing has changed.  I want to feel better but I don't want to feel better, you know?  I don't want to get over it because there is work to do.