December 31, 2012

One hour and counting til a New Year begins.

It's both appropriate and a little daunting to talk about resolutions on here.  A space devoted to resolutions all year long, to reflection, to change.

On this last night of the year I wonder as I write-- have I done it justice?  Have I reflected, changed?

It feels like 2012 was gone in a flash, as if very little has changed even amidst the changes that have come (new job, new PhD in the house, ever-growing little ones).

It was a good year, don't get me wrong.  Delightful in its smoothness.  Full of pleasant moments, sunshine, laughter.  Many beautiful photographs were taken and memories stored up in them.  Travel, festivals, museums, school, lakes, children, friends.  If I reflect on it for a moment, there was almost a surfeit of happiness and happening wrapped up in this years.  A bit of a blur at times...

Part of my goal in this Thirty Days project was to make life memorable, to have goals and projects and alterations to the fabric of my life that would stand out in memory, freeze in time, last in that way that great life changes can last.  I am not sure  if I accomplished that goal in 2012.

And so, as I look ahead to 2013, I am seeking to answer the question:  How can I make change in my life, and the lives of others, that will leave a mark?  A mark in memory, on the world.   How can I live this year with intention, enjoying the ride, the sunshine, the little moments-- and reaching for something a little larger, too?

I've been thinking a lot about the idea of dreams, these aspirations I've got for the way I want my world to be.  I can spend hours (days, weeks) visualizing the house on the lake, the dream kitchen...  but as I sit here, 36 years old, there are still some gaps in the dream-future.  Still, somehow, I am not sure what I want to be when I grow up.  I can see the shape of who I wish to be but the details are fuzzy.

In 2013 I'd like to solidify my dreams, and then orient my life so that each thing I do is moving me closer to their reality. 

There's a resolution for ya.

In the meantime, there are some steps I CAN take, towards the dreams I know already:

1.  I'd like to be in fit and fabulous shape before I turn 40.  Ten, maybe fifteen pounds lighter, leaner, in shape, my body working as a healthy and smooth machine ready to tackle whatever age may bring.  To that end, in 2013 I will be intentional in my eating.  I will eat food that helps my body achieve health.  I will find ways to be active, to challenge my fitness and grow my strength.

2.  I want to have a beautiful, open kitchen with a view of a lake out the window.  I want to be able to furnish this house with rich and lovely fabrics and furniture.  I want to live each day in this comfortable, lovely space. To that end, in 2013 I will be intentional with my money.  I will not spend it on fruitless items.  I will save money towards bringing my dream house into reality.

3.  I visualize myself as a person who creates beauty and good in the world.  I want to be the person who goes out of their way for others, who creates spaces and details and moments and encounters that bring joy and peace to others.  To that end, in 2013 I will practice small ways of being kind, other-centric, detail oriented and considerate.

4.  I see my family in 5 years, my children growing tall, myself mothering them with patience, creativity, and joy.  I see my family in  20 years, gathered together, my children happy to be back at home.  To that end, in 2013 I will work at being the best mother and wife I can be, patient and gentle and intentional in my parenting choices. I will work to create a structure for my family, a safe space for us to love and grow.  I will not take a moment of our lives together for granted.

The past week...

Christmas has taken over a bit around here.  To my credit, life is still revolving around the spirit of giving-- just the focus has been on my family, my friends, my students. 

I've made myself a nice little list of places to donate my things.  I've successfully sent off a bag of food to a Food Bank drive at school.  I've written two more love letters to strangers, and left them in public places in the hopes they'll find their way to the person who needs them most.

I've also baked cookies, bought gifts for my children (but not TOO many!), wrapped presents, wrote out cards, and generally devoted my waking hours to the preparations of the season.

So, I am choosing to be OK with this thirty days going on a bit of a hiatus.

To be continued.

After Christmas. 

December 13

December 13:

Today I wrote two love letters.
I got in on day 10 and 11 of the 12-day letter writing challenge from moreloveletters.com.
Better late than never, right?

It felt wonderful, mailing off those two notecards full of affirmations for strangers.  It was fun to write them, using several colors of felt-tip pens and little doodles and hearts.  And, it took all of about 10  minutes. 

I could get into doing this more often.

Love letters?  Easy.  You know what is unexpectedly difficult? Donating my stuff.   I've now gathered and collected and set in the foyer and back of the van:  a bag of children's shoes, two bags of children's books, a bag of pantry food items, a large box of nice toys, and a bag of baby linens. 

No one wants them.



Well, that's not exactly true.  I could call up the Veterans and they'd pick it all up for me.  Or we could run it right down to Goodwill.  And I know these wonderful organizations would put my cast-off items to work, selling them piecemeal in thrift stores where the income would, bit by bit, go to help people. 

And chances are good that's exactly what will happen.

But what I WANTED to happen, what I had planned for this week of sorting and sifting and giving away, was for these items to go straight to people who could use them.  These baby clothes-- right to little ones in a home for families in crisis.  These toys-- right into the hands of children who will play with them.  These books-- right into the homes of little ones who can read them.  I don't want anyone to have to pay for these things.  I want to GIVE these things away.  I want them to do the most good they can.

I spent my lunch hour today trying to find an organization to help me do this, using a handy database published by (of course!) the Solid Waster Department.  Turns out, there are an impressive number of organizations reaching out to a staggering variety of people right here in our county.  Turns out, the need is heartbreaking and real.  And, it turns out, all of these amazing organizations specify "new items only."  Or money, course.

I am beginning to think uncharitable thoughts about these organizations.

Nonetheless I will soldier on, and have given myself the task tomorrow of contacting a list of organizations that seemed like possibilities.  Maybe I can talk them into taking this stuff.
Or maybe I will just walk around handing out bags of toys and books.   Who can say?

December 8, 9, and 10

8th: Gathered children's outgrown shoes to donate to Soles for Soles, excited to send them off into the world, straight to little feet who need them.  Ran out of time to drop them off.   Bag of little shoes wait patiently in my trunk as we speak.  I am thinking by Friday...

9th:  In retrospect, our Second Sunday Soup could have been a food drive.  Sadly, because I have no forethought and a lot of changing to do still, it was not.   We just ate and drank and were merry, enjoying the sounds of running and laughing children, cocooned in our nest of plenty.

Don't you just love it when a Thirty Days turns out to be a month long guilt trip?

Note to self-- Ask guests to bring a food item in January.

10th: The children and I filled a good size box with outgrown and unwanted toys.  They're still fine toys, all of them.  So much, we have so much... Now, off to find them a home where they can do the most good. 

If I had time and web design skills, I would start a website called Do the Most Good, a one stop shop for individuals to target their non-monetary donations directly to people, where their time and possessions can do the most good, right away.   I would like to find that website right now, really, I don't need to start it and get the credit or anything.  I just want to send these books, this food, these shoes, these toys on their way sooner rather than later...

Future giving days may include:

Donating blood (thanks, Melinda, for the nudge)
Writing some of those love letters
The "Be an Elf" program through the Post Office, where one directly answers a letter to Santa with a wish come true (oh the joy!)

Any other ideas?

December 5, 6, and 7

5th:  Gathered a bag of food from our pantry and two bags of books from Jack's shelves.  Spent an hour trying to figure out where one takes a bag of food to put it to best use in this community.   FoodBank only gave me suggestions for how to organize a drive.  A noble thought but I am not up for organizing a drive, not this month.  Anyone know where one can take a bag of food in this city??

6th: Gave spare change to the "bikes for kids" fund at Rick Case, while paying for my oil change.  Thought to myself that during my "random acts of kindness " month I may pay for the next person's oil change.  Because it would be great, wouldn't it, to go to pay for that little, routine expense and find it already taken care of?

7th: Donated unused toiletries from my classroom stash to the FoodBank supply drive at school.  Got to wear a little sticker all day for doing so.

I've also discovered a lovely free way to give some loving care to the world.  Have you heard of moreloveletters.com?  I heard the founder of this site give a TEDtalk on her work and I was hooked.  (by the way, the TEDtalk app is my new obsession...)  Now, just to find the time to handwrite love letters to people in need...

December 4

On the giving front today:


Donated a box of diapers for the giving tree at my mom's church.  Also talked with her about an opportunity for giving some time, rather than money.  If we are around at all between Christmas and New Years, their church houses homeless/struggling families for a week.  We could go play with kids, hold babies, talk with people.

This sounds more like it.  And not just because I am going to go broke if I keep giving money for the next 26 days.  Because reaching out is the key. People, connection, hope, care-- more so than things, these are what we need to survive.  To grow.  To change.

In what ways can my actions help others be more powerful in their own lives?

And in the meantime, what do I already have in my house, that I can give away?  How can it do the most good?

Goal for the rest of the week:  Help others, without bankrupting myself.

December 1, 2, 3

December is off to a fast start, isn't it?  Six rubbermaid totes full of Christmas decor have exploded around our house, and the kitchen is littered with birthday cakes, half eaten and in process (the joys of two birthdays, 4 days apart).
But I am, I think, off to a good start on my month of giving.

To recap:

Saturday-- the children and I counted out the money in our giving jar and chose an amount to give to the Salvation Army.  We successfully and happily did so, greeted enthusiastically by the world's cheeriest bell ringer.

We then proceeded to leave the grocery store 2 minutes later when my happy, giving children turned into greed-fueled monsters begging for more coins at the quarter vending machines.  Without shopping.

It takes some time to change into a giving mindset, obviously.

Saturday evening we enjoyed the Light Up Lakewood Festival, wandering in the road on Detroit, sipping free hot cocoa.  We also got started on our Christmas shopping by finding some lovely items which also raise funds for a local organization helping adults with disabilities.  Two birds.  Score.

Sunday-- Gift of music given to an auditorium of strangers! :)  It was our WSC concert day and time and ideas were in short supply.  While I am not sure I took any action, I did proceed through my day with other-focused consciousness

Monday-- We prepared for Nat's birthday, the kids and I.  More good lessons in giving.  "We are shopping for Daddy tonight.  No, we're not shopping for toys.  Remember, we're not shopping for toys. Remember...?"

Then... inspiration! Toys for Tots!  Of course.  We shopped for a toy-- and gave it away.

I may take them to do this once a week.

November 29

Sorry for the quiet, all.

I've been madly working on our Summer Photo book.  Yeah.  Summer.  I'm a little behind, and in the mad rush that precedes the mad rush of Christmas, I've been devoting my evenings to sorting and labeling digital memories of a warmer time.

Nothing to inspire gratitude like making a summer book.  These glowing, blue-sky pictures; so much laughter and light in our faces!  Looking at the photos we chose to take, chose to save, chose to put in the book.... perfect lives indeed.  Huddled under a blanket on this wintry evening, those summer months seem like a time out of time, another life altogether.  But it is with gratitude and humility that I claim them as mine.  I am grateful for our summer, for the memories we made and captured, for sunlight and lakes and family and friends and the blessings of leisure and freedom we have.

Staying up late to finish a photo book has also meant catching bits of the local news.  And being hit with gratitude in a whole new light as I watched heartbreaking stories unfold:  a deadly housefire, a three-year old boy killed in his family home.  The tragedy in the world, the deep deep sadness and hurt and damage in the souls of so many.

The stark contrast between this and the photos in our digital book.

I am so grateful for what I have been given in this life.  For opportunity.  For education.  For love and unconditional support, for a family that has surrounded me with care since the day I was born.  For having enough.  For never going without.  For each and every day my little family is spared the unthinkable. For how often and easily my children laugh.  For all the moments in every day that I smile and breathe in the beauty of the world.  For the amazing privilege and daunting responsibility of passing on security, love, stability, opportunity, life to the next generation.  

I am lucky, aren't I?  To be blessed with the beauty of having more than I need, in every way. 

There are too many people in this world who do not know that blessing.  There is too much struggle.  It is not fair that in this world, right here in this country, people are hurting so deeply that they hurt others.  It is not fair that in this world, right here in this country, people can lose everything in a single moment.  It is not right that so many people are fighting to merely survive, instead of reveling in the beauty of their world.

And it doesn't do a bit of good for me to sit here and feel sad about it all.

And so here on the eve of my 36th birthday I am deciding that my December Thirty Days needs to be a challenge to DO something.  Something to help others, to reach out beyond my comfort zone, this niche of privilege and safety, to bring joy and light and ease to their days, to lift spirits, to save lives, to share what I have been given.

Money, sure.  But what else?  That's what I am going to challenge myself to figure out.

Every day, I will give of myself in some way, to help someone I have never met.  

I am going to try to do more than checking "yes" in the box to donate money at checkout.  But, hey, that will be a start, eh?

Ideas?  Bring em on.  In what small way, today, can we make the world better for someone else?

November 23 and 24

We traveled to Michigan for some gratitude-on-location, a lovely quick weekend with family that we see far too infrequently.
Here's my grateful list from our time away:

I am grateful for this wonderful family, shaped of people who could have gone their separate ways: stepmothers, "second wives," cousins growing up in separate states, separate lives.  But we didn't.  This little bit of family has chosen to stay related, in love if not in blood, and I am so grateful for these women who have been a part of my childhood and continue to hold me in their hearts. I am grateful for my amazing little cousins, James and Laura, for how they have grown, for the tiny children I still see in them, for the inspiring adults they have become, brave and smart and true.   I am grateful for my Aunt Mary, giver of the best hugs and owner of the most beautiful and generous heart.  I am grateful for my Grandma Jan, now Great-grandma to my children, for her unfailing kindness and careful hospitality, for her shelves upon shelves of photos that tie generations together and shelter so many memories.  I am grateful for that flood of memories, for a chance to step back into my younger self, into all those visits to Grandpa and Jan's house, walks through the development, reading and reading and reading, talking and laughing with my family.  I am grateful for the love that I come from, for the warmth and joy that I have been given in my life.  I am grateful that I can bring my own children into this circle, that they will have memories of Grandma's smile, of Mary's hugs, to bolster their hearts, too.

 I am grateful for this moment in time, carved out of our busy lives, to stop and remember and be together with people, and I am grateful for my husband who drove us there to do it. I am grateful for clear, cold, smooth driving weather, for sunshine and a little bit of Christmas spirit in the air to top it all off...

November 22

Happy Thanksgiving, dear readers!

With the notable exception of a sick little boy (general malaise, headache and fever) its been a nearly perfect day.

As many people have noted, gratitude ought not be centered on just this one day a year.  And yet-- this one day is a focal point, isn't it?  We gather our families and our thankfulness together, and combine them with the force of history and patriotism, and today, warm fall sunshine, and suddenly the gratitude is palpable and contagious.

Today I have been grateful for the messages popping up on Facebook all day, simple statements of appreciation and goodwill and love.  I am grateful for my connections to all these beautiful, wonderful people, for the roads in my life that have crossed with theirs.

Today I have been grateful for so much.  Too much to list.  But I'll try.

*for walks in the fall sun
*for Pumpkin Spice lattes
*for racing down slides
*for my dog
*for Ivy's funny phrases
*For Ivy's sweet snuggles
*For freshly bathed children and the way their hair smells
*for the overabundance in my life
*for delicious food
*for neighbors and neighborhoods
*for my mom
*for the easy partnership of cooking with my husband
*for my husband and all he does
*for sleeping til after 7am
*for warm days in November
*for my sister and her rockin' mashed potatoes
*for a carefully set table
*for a smoothly prepared meal
*for our peaceful home
*for my job
*for my home
*for my friends
*for snuggling in to my cozy nest instead of going out to stores
*for having everything I need
*for not needing anything I don't have
*for this practice of gratitude and the way it helps me to find perspective

May you find perspective and gratitude and peace as the holidays surround us.  I am grateful for you!

November 21

Tonight, on Thanksgiving Eve, there is much to be grateful for.

I am grateful for this gift of a day, the absolute, Spring-in-November perfection of it.  I am grateful for the blue of the sky arching overhead and for the stunning expanse of lake to our north.  I am grateful that we took advantage of this day and spent most of it outside (even if that means that the floors are still very dirty in this house).

I am grateful for children playing on a beach, newly-made friends coming together to pretend to fish in a driftwood boat.  I am grateful for dog-friends barking and jumping and exuding joy.  I am grateful for warm sun and lake breezes and lunch out at Bearden's and days that work out just right.

I am grateful for a snuggly little girl at bedtime, for her soft scent and her warm little hands.  I am grateful for a boy who surprises me with how much he knows and how innocent he is, in all his enthusiasm.  I am grateful for the zest and joy my two little ones employ in their approach to life.  I am grateful for a day relaxed enough, complete enough, to really appreciate that zest for a change  

I am grateful for the blessings of this easy  life, this life I am lucky enough to call my own.  Sometimes it surprises me with its goodness.

November 20

I am grateful for the arrival of the holidays, stress and all.  I am grateful for the "Happy Thanksgiving!" greetings among the staff today, among the chorale, at the grocery checkout. Smiles are more freely given at this time of year and that makes the world a better place.

I am grateful for good TV shows and tea and planning where to put the Christmas tree with my honey.

I am grateful for spontaneous dance parties with the kids, all of us jumping around the living room to Some Nights, Jack rocking his wiggly dance moves, Ivy spinning herself dizzy. I am grateful for the laughter of my family.

I am grateful for a good parent-teacher conference, for my "on-track" boy and the fact that he is getting along with others, listening to the teacher, growing right up in all the ways he should.  Not to mention that he knows what a rhombus is.  I am very, very grateful for friends who step in to stay with children to let us go to conferences together.

I am grateful for the day off tomorrow, even if I don't know what to do with it yet.  I am grateful that the busyness of today, that has gotten me so thoroughly tired, was all the good kind of busy,  rushing and prepping and go-go-going to get from one good thing to another:  the class feast with my students, time with my children, conferences, choir.  May the holiday season continue to be so full of the good.

 

November 19

Tonight I am grateful that this is not a complaining blog.  Because I know how easy it would be for me tonight to launch into a litany of the myriad, miniscule things that made today unimpressive.  And no one wants to hear that. 

But maybe, just maybe, you might want to hear that my life is not, in fact, all sunshine and roses.  Not all the time, anyways.

 On to the gratitude.  May it work its magic...

Tonight I am grateful for my boy who loves his ice skating lessons.  This afternoon he skated 3 full laps of the rink, on his own, after his lesson ended. And by skated of course I mean"shuffled and fell a lot".  But-- with a smile on his face!  Asking to go around again each time!  I am amazed and awed by this.  And so proud of the little guy.

I am also grateful for his patient little sister, who occupied herself that whole time by doing various gymnastic moves on one of the little pusher-walker thingies that little kids use on the ice.  She's a trouper.  She says she'll try skating, when she's three.

I'm grateful for easy dinners in front of the TV, for quiet bedtimes and hot tea, for a good dog and good Breadsmith bread (toasted with gobs of butter).

I am exceedingly, wonderfully grateful that this is only a two-day week.

November 18

Tonight I am grateful for brilliant sun and cirrus clouds in the shape of boats.  I am grateful for dry leaves and playgrounds, for elephants and spider monkeys and the surrealism of jellyfish.  I am grateful for friends and for their children, for company to share this gift of a day.   I picnicked on sun-warmed stones and rode a tram with delighted children, raked leaves and cleaned the house and played mommy-monster with 5 year olds, and drove around and around town to get an Ivy-girl to sleep.  Macaroni and cheese and toddler dance parties to cap off the evening:  it was a grand day, wasn't it?  And now, Nat is home and the dog is snoring and we are watching Sherlock and I am grateful indeed.

November 17

Today I am grateful for November sunshine, for playgrounds and lunch out; for time with my mom and keeping traditions.   I am grateful for connections with people: friendly banter with sellers at resale tables, catch-up conversations with the parents of high school friends, all the smiles and cordiality that abound in our world.  It's easier to smile on a sunny day, after all.

November 16

Tonight I am grateful for my husband, in that absence-makes-the-heart-grow-more-grateful sort of way.  He's off in Chicago this weekend, attending the AAR conference. And I am here, missing him.  I mean, I can handle this.  I can be the single mom for the weekend.  The kids were pretty good tonight, actually. A lovely evening at the mall.  No different than a routine Monday or Wednesday, really, except that I don't get to have the lovely prospect of Nat coming home to look forward to, for two more days.  Our days promise to be full and fun but I will miss having someone to share the nights with.  Very much.

And so, in the missing, I am grateful.  Grateful for this person, the one who, out of all the world, found me.  The one who I choose to spend my life with.  The one who shares the joys and the burdens and who knows me completely and loves me regardless. I am grateful for all the time he is here, al the time he gives and spends and sacrifices and the ways he makes life better.

I am also grateful for sunny days, mall carousels, and quiet bedtimes.

But mostly I am grateful for him. 

November 15

I am grateful tonight to have been home from work before 8pm.  I am grateful that the children are in bed before 9.  I am grateful to have a few hours with my husband before he takes off for Chicago.  I am exceedingly grateful for his amazing backrubs.

I'm also really tired.

And I know this is a gratitude journal but sometimes I am less grateful, and more... just tired.

My daughter has not been a fan of sleep recently, and gym days sure start early, and conference days sure are long.  And it would be easy, oh so easy, to slip into a litany of complaints, a rhapsody on the busyness of life these days..

Its nights like this when I need gratitude the most.

I am grateful for the sunshine today, for the chance to walk outside a bit in that sunshine, even if it was just to run a  book across the street to Orchard.

I am grateful for my friends at Orchard, for warm greetings and quick, easy conversations born of familiarity and shared suffering history.

I am grateful for the hugs from my children this afternoon, for the way their little voices ring out their greetings when I get home.

I am grateful that my son is popular with the kids in kindergarten-- so reports Nat, telling the tale of tablefuls of children calling out to him as they passed the after-care room on their way to the book fair this afternoon.  In spite of his sweetly oblivious nature, the other children like him.  May it always be this way for him.

I am grateful that he is learning-- more every day-- sponging up the instruction from those 6 hours a day at school.  Telling time, reading some sight words, adding plus-ones and plus-twos in his head, writing his own words... amazing and exciting and sometimes I just have to kiss the top of his head.  A lot.

I am grateful for the sunshine of my daughter during the day.  Difficult as bedtimes can be, interrupted as the nights continually are- she is unfailingly adorable, affectionate, hilarious.  I am grateful for the presence of this unique and joyful little soul in my life.

I am grateful that my dog has a clean bill of health from the vet today.  Well, except for the fleas.  And I am grateful that there is frontline to deal with those.

I am grateful that tomorrow is Friday.

November 13

Today I am grateful for Tuesdays.

I really think Tuesdays are one of my favorite days of the week.

For one, they are not Monday.

Also, I have double planning at school, which means I can eat lunch at something approaching a normal lunchtime.

On Tuesdays I am thankful for my mother who takes the kids while Nat and I meet for coffee.  I am very, very thankful for  cup of Starbucks coffee AND my wonderful husband, waiting for me at a cozy table at the end of the day.

I am grateful for family dinners, for enforcing a habit that would be all too easy to let go in favor of absent minded meals in front of the television.  I am grateful for my exuberant and intelligent children, even when that exuberance and intelligence means they wheedle their way out of things and into trouble and STILL get oreos for dessert.

I am grateful for the way Ivy says "eerios" instead of oreos.

And, I am so grateful that Tuesdays bring choir.  I love choir.    I love making music.  I love singing in mixed position, hearing the unique blend of voices, the rumble of the basses, the float of the chords.  I love, simply love, the Faure Requiem.  I am grateful for the kind and generous and music-loving people from all these different backgrounds, who all come together because they love the Faure Requiem too. I am grateful for our tireless director, for his passion and dedication and the way he gently leads us towards excellence.  I am grateful for the soaring, glorious, resounding finish at the end of Let All Mortal Flesh Keep Silence.

I am grateful for rides home with Fiona, for our wide ranging conversation, for her stories and color and inspiration.  It is good to know what one wants to be when one grows up, after all..

I am grateful for quiet companionship and good TV, for the way my dog looks up from the couch as soon as my front tires hit the driveway, for the warmth of my home and cool clarity of a November night.

I am grateful for the first flakes of snow and for my red wool coat.

November 12

Tonight I am grateful for the freedom and safety we take for granted in America, and for the men and women who have fought and sacrificed to let the rest of us rest easily here at home.

I am grateful for a warm house on a cold grey day.

I am grateful for the reminder that sometimes, what you really need to do is stay home and hold your little girl.

November 10 and 11

It is a pity to have missed last night, because there was much to be grateful for yesterday.  But there was also a movie to be watched via Amazon Prime, and that meant my laptop being hooked up to the TV and not on my lap.  It also meant a backrub and a snuggle from my wonderful husband, and I am grateful for that!

What else?

I am grateful for the heavenly sun this weekend, two days of warmth and the rustle of dry leaves raising their scent into the sunlit air. 

I am grateful for a lovely morning with my mom, for picnic lunches at Rocky River Park, for exploring the driftwood-strewn beach with my son, building boats and searching for treasure.

I am grateful that my children stayed in childcare at the church, so my mom and I could discuss and share and philosophize about the meaning of a secular Christmas and what one can do to fight rampant consumerism and teach our children compassion...

I am grateful to meet these like-minded people who share in this struggle to find a way to live our values.

I am grateful for birthday parties, for gatherings of friends and families and children with balloons and streamers and alphabet cards.  I am grateful for Naomi and Lillian, who are, impossibly, three years old.  I am grateful for the new dimension and joy they have brought to our family of friends, and for the real little people they are becoming.

I am grateful for morning walks at Forest Hills Park.  A park that is going to seed-- it is a wonderful thing, really.  Forgotten paths and fields and playgrounds, all to ourselves. I  am grateful for a joyful spaniel, leaping and chasing.  I am grateful for children heading bravely to explore, clambering over fallen trees.  I am grateful for the contagious joy of drums and chimes and xylophones, an unexpected treasure discovered on our way home.

I am grateful for soup, for friends trekking to our home, for the way the house smells all day, warm and sheltering and good.  I am grateful for my husband who cooks, and makes it all possible, really.

I am grateful for leaf piles and sunstreaked windows and a clean playroom.

I am grateful for the company of good friends, for companionable silences and tea. 

It has been a wonderful weekend.  I am grateful for each moment of it.

November 9

Tonight I am grateful for a half day off work, the gift of unencumbered time.  A morning of productive organization and parent conferences, then off at noon for a resale event,  time to clean the house, playing with my littles in the fall sunshine, going to Ivy's 32-month appointment and out for donuts, and back home all before 5. 

I could get used to living like this. 

I am grateful for Downton Abbey and for having two people to team up on the laundry.

November 8

Tonight I am grateful that I don't spend 14 hours at work every day.

I am grateful that the sun has shown its face often enough for me to begin to take it for granted again.

I am grateful for my husband, who shepherds our little troupe through long days with panache, who provides the littles with endless crafts and activities and joy.

I am grateful for warm blankets and hot tea and snuggling in against the frosty winter-night air.

I am grateful for PBS.  For Antiques Roadshow in particular.  I love Antiques Roadshow.

I am grateful for computers and email and online shopping and all the unfathomable miracles of technology that make my life so very easy, in the grand scheme of things.

I am grateful for the chance to touch the lives of my students and their families, for the opportunity to problem-solve, brainstorm, build on strengths and help them grow.  In the midst of endless paperwork and standards and tests and deadlines, it is important to remember just how vital this work really is.

November 7

Tonight I am grateful that the Presidential campaign is over, and with the outcome I had hoped for.  I am grateful for our President, for this kind, decent, brilliant man willing to sacrifice himself and lead our broken and divided nation into the future.  I am so grateful to see my fellow Americans turn their backs on politicians who have spent the past 6 months inundating us with their small-minded bigotry. I am grateful for all the votes for equality-- Maine, Maryland, Washington.  I am grateful for this moment of hopefulness about the future, even as it is tempered with fear that nothing can possibly can possibly change in such a polarized society.  But for tonight-- gratitude, pure and simple.

Also, I am grateful that  tomorrow is like a Friday, and that Friday is a half day.  I am tired today. This may be due to the overflowing gratitude happening last night around midnight, the celebratory beer and dancing around the living room with my dog that kept me up well past my bedtime.  I am grateful that elections like this one only come every four years.

November 5 and 6

Sorry to miss last night.  Stupid time change, had me falling asleep on the couch at 9:45..

Retrospectively:

I am grateful for my boy, for his light-the-world smile of victory as he faced his own demons and tried something new.  I am grateful for a half hour of chilly sitting at an ice rink, watching him fall-- and more importantly, get back up again.  Smiling.  Miracle of miracles.
I am grateful that my children love a nice hot bubble bath-- and that it can entertain them for a good long time.  I am grateful for tortillas and quick dinners and Little Bear and Max&Ruby on DVD.  I am grateful for snuggly-under-a-blanket warmth old a cold night.


Today:

I am grateful for the sun, every retina-burning moment of it on my drive to work today.  I am grateful for the good-tired feeling of starting the day with a workout, and grateful for the lovely showers at the JCC.
I am grateful for friends and pizza and the joy of 9 little ones racing loops around a house.  I love the beauty of these growing families, the children of these people I love. I am grateful for the way they are growing up together, their ease together, their laughter and their smooth, bright faces.
I am grateful for the crisp wintry air and for the holiday feel that comes into my heart on these dark evenings.
I am grateful for the sublime, singable beauty of the Faure Requiem, for the chance to pour my  heart into the Pie Jesu, for the dancing joy of Uni Genite, for singing in mixed position.
I am grateful to live in a country where people have a choice in their government and their future.  Even if the choice of half of our country is not the one I would make. In the face of the unknown and the trepidation tonight, I am holding tight to my gratitude for the people who work for change in our nation, for the people who care about the welfare of others and strength of our future, for the people who use their minds and hearts to make the world better.  I am grateful that a few of these people have already, solidly, been elected.
I am grateful for like-minded friends and loved ones with whom I can sit, on the edge of our virtual seats, through this long night (days? weeks?) of waiting for the choice to be made. 

November 4

A crisp, cold, dark evening wandering among leaves and glowing pumpkins... I am grateful for my neighbors again tonight.  Grateful for their welcoming smiles and for the way they know my children's names, for their well kept cozy houses and the care they put into making this night magical.

I am grateful  for playdates with friends and quiet moments at a coffee shop, for great big cardboard blocks and the imagination that comes with them.

I am grateful for dinner swap and the routines we depend on. I am grateful for the way these short days help to draw life into sharp perspective, and for the warmth and light we create in our homes to combat these long nights.

I am also grateful that my children aren't sick all that often, really.

November 3

Tonight I am grateful for our neighbors, for the diverse and friendly group of people who make up this community.  I am grateful for chili and chips and chatting with friends.
I am grateful for a gym full of children and basketballs and the chance to run and play and laugh and focus on my boy.  I am grateful for the flush of his cheeks and the exhilaration in his smile.  I am grateful for the way he is growing, so tall, so full of enthusiasm for the world.

I am grateful for technology, for the wonders of this modern world, which we so often take for granted, that let us erase miles and bring a Grandfather and grand-daughter together in the same room for a few minutes.

I am grateful for the theaters at Playhouse square, for the murals and mosaics, the gilded plaster, for the forethought of the people who saved these spaces so my children could walk in and gape in wonder.  I am grateful for the light in their eyes as they waited for the show to start.  

I am grateful for this lovely Saturday with my family.

November 2

Today I am grateful for the company of friends.  I am grateful for fuzzy blankets and fuzzy yarn and pajama pants, for wine and crackers and good movies and talking into the night.  I am grateful for electric lights glowing cozy in house windows.  I am grateful for the work that has gone into cleaning up our community; signs of the storm are abating.

I am grateful for the clearing skies, for layers of clouds in variegated greys instead of one thick, dismal blanket.  I am grateful for the smell of leaves emerging into crispy air as the world begins to dry. 

I am grateful for a morning run and a cup of Starbucks and the chance to network and sip coffee and do lunch with a co-worker-- professional development days are a wonderful reprieve!  Today was nice, paced right.  Home early enough to play with children and clean a little and have friends and pizza too.  I am grateful for days that work out this way, that leave me content.  That give me something to aspire to, in the midst of other craziness.  Today, I had time to really look at people, to notice life and appreciate it, as it happened.  I could get used to that.

November 1

A bit absent as of late, but you'll forgive me.  I have a hurricane to blame it on...

October was a blur of travel and rain and I can blame all of that for the fact that daily push-ups... weren't exactly daily.  I did, to my credit, make it a good 17 days into the trial, and I did, to my credit, get up to being able to do 18 push-ups in a row.  I did not, however, form a new lifetime habit.

Maybe some other time.

In the meantime, it is November.

November,  month of grey skies and grey trees and damp chill and my birthday.  The month of burrowing in and cozying up and preparations.  The month of enforced, cultural gratitude as we head into the holiday season.

Why yes, I think I'll get right on that bandwagon.

There is something about this time of year that yearns for self-reflection, for appreciation of the minute and meaningful.  We need something to combat the grey, I think.

This year November made her entrance even more profound, with our Ohio hurricane.  A week of solid rain; a "super-storm" that wiped out the Jersey Shore, swamped Lower Manhattan, and left us without power for three days; two sick kids in succession.

If there has ever been a time when I need gratitude, it is now.

With no further ado, five minutes on the timer and a bit of thanks.

Tonight, I am grateful.  Deeply grateful.

For the return of our modern conveniences, for heat and light and our little electric fireplace.  For my family snug in their own beds and for the return of routine in our lives.  I am grateful for our cluttered, messy little nest where every surface is littered with candles and children's craft supplies, and where I know just how to find what I need.

And, I am grateful for the gift of family nearby, for the fact that we had somewhere to go when our house temperature hit 50.  Grateful for the comfort and love and safety that we can depend on, just across town.

I am grateful that in the face of this wild weather, we faced nothing more than inconvenience.  A few trees down, a few days of darkness in our neighborhood-- but we are safe.  Our house is here, solid and strong.  Our clean-up will consist of raking a lot of leaves and cleaning up the pile of tempered glass that was once the top for our patio table.  We are very lucky indeed.

Today, I am grateful to have a job that allows me to spend the day sharing theater and lunch and laughter with my little group of students.  I am grateful for the sublime gift that is a well written play, for the moments of clarity that come as you sink into the lives of characters on a sparsely-set stage, when the words and emotions are the main event. "It all goes so fast.... we never really look at one another..."  Emily says in Act III of Our Town.  I am grateful for words that make me reflect and slow down and look into more people's eyes because they are all so beautiful, all those eyes.  I am grateful for youth and beauty and talent and for the young people who shared theirs today at the Beck Center.

I am grateful that the rain seems to have stopped for a moment.  I am grateful for light shining out through the layers of clouds, for my dog softly snoring beside me, for my husband combing wool across the room.  I am grateful for the storm and the clouds, for that stark contrast they give to the brilliance in fall leaves, and in life.

October 1

This month I am joined in my thirty days challenge by my wonderful husband, who is also the designer of this month's challenge. I have to say that I am thrilled to have him join the fun, and would have jumped on board with just about anything he suggested.  My ultimate goal in pursuing these thirty days goals is to take small steps towards a more rich and beautiful life-- and who better to share it than the guy with whom I want to spend that long, rich and beautiful life...

So, this month, we are focusing on the physical-- and doing push ups.  A baseline last night, and then 10-20 a day for the month.  Baseline for me is 13, for Nat is 30.  We'll see how many we can do on the 31st!  I may have to take arm measurements...


You may be wanting an update on September's austerity budget challenge? All told, a success.  I ended the first three weeks with about 12 dollars to spare each time.  Then totally blew it on the last two days as there were 3 kids' resales to attend on Saturday and I was forced to spend my entire week's budget in one morning.  Forced, I tell you.

Okay.  So I have a substance abuse problem.  My name is Amanda and I am addicted to budget priced kids' clothing....

But-- on the upside,  I think that I can continue my budget, with some slight allowances here and there.  Much as I've continued the sugar ban, with modifications.  I'm going to try, this year, to take a piece of each thirty days with me.  To see what the cumulative effect of all this careful mindfulness might be.  It may just make me very very busy.  Or it may change my life.  We shall see.

September 20

Living on an austerity budget, it turns out, does not make for inspired writing.  Or even the inspiration to write.  But for those of you looking for an update on how I'm doing, here you go.

So far, so good.

Week one ended with 20 dollars to spare.  Week two involved some money shuffling as Nat had to use the Target credit card a few times.  Nothing like going on austerity spending just as my husband is two weeks away from being paid for the first time since June.  Still ended the week with, I think, about $30 to spare.  Week 3 so far-- much easier as my husband has now been paid and has resumed his purchasing of most of the groceries.  I know I'll end this week with some extra to carry over... as long as you don't count travel the travel expenses for Winnipeg that went on our credit card this week (oops).

It turns out we spend quite a bit on groceries.  It also turns out that we can spend less on groceries, when we only buy what we need.  One thing that has gone by the wayside during this experiment-- the idea of "stock up and save."   I am such an insatiable bargain hunter that I often buy things simply because they are on sale. This habit, I realize, may well be the root cause of both the excess clutter in my home and my chronic lack of extra money.  I've had to consciously talk myself down from a number of purchases, rebelling all the while-- but, but, but... its such a great DEAL!... sigh.

Another way I've stayed on budget is by putting off larger purchases  for a few more days, pushing the cost of that laundry detergent from this week to the next, waiting til next month to buy the rest of Jack's school clothes, to pay for the roofing, to renew the museum menmberships.  Robbing Peter to pay Paul.  Not a long term solution, really, but it'll get you through a month of extreme budgeting.

What I am hoping to take away from this, in another 10 days, is some sort of deeper knowledge of just what I can do without in my life.  I think we've been more aware of free vs. paid activities.  We've been eating out less. I've gone pretty much cold turkey on the slight impulse-purchase-at-Walgreen's problem I have.  I think, just like candy, I'm going to leave that one behind me, beyond these thirty days.   Maybe I'll keep my cash-only budget going for a while longer.  I mean, not during Christmas season or anything, but for a little while...

September 2

A new month!  So soon!

Sorry to be a day late but these things happen when you are throwing a gigantic dinosaur party for your FIVE year old on the heels of your first 5 day work week of the school year AND the week he started Kindergarten.

I know.  Excuses, excuses...

So with no further ado, a recap of August, and an introduction to September:

My sugar- free month was, I believe, a resounding success.  A few rules were bent on a few occasions (namely, salad dressing and pizza), but I made it, for a whole month, without eating candy!  Or baked goods, or any of the other minor addictions I've battled with.  I feel quite empowered, actually.  And about 7 pounds lighter than I was on August 1st. A nice side benefit.

Yesterday, my first day "off" the sugar free diet, was well timed as I was charged with baking and frosting 36 cupcakes and a cake.  It is nigh impossible for me to do this task without licking batter and frosting off my fingers.  Seriously, have you tried?  So, as it was a party day and I was bound to eat a cupcake later on, I went ahead and licked with wild abandon.  Afterwards, I noticed that I had a nagging aftertaste in my mouth, my throat felt all sticky and coated, and I was incredibly thirsty.  Turns out, when you haven't had sugar in a month, you become much more attuned to its undesirable effects-- and all that pure sugar at once may have been a bit too much.  Yuck.

So I am pretty confident that I can continue a modified version of my sugar-free month, as a lifestyle rather than a challenge.  My new rules for myself:  When cooking for myself or eating at home, avoid foods with sugar or any variant thereof in the first five ingredients.  When eating out, make reasonable choices.  One sweetie-dessert a week to celebrate special meals or occasions or just for a treat.  I see no reason I cant keep packing the same healthy lunches and sugar free snacks I've been making myself for work-- cheese sticks, almonds, dried fruit, plain yogurt, tortilla wraps of various persuasions-- and assuaging my sweet tooth with smoothies and homemade popsicles.  It would be lovely to lose some more weight but even if I don't, I feel really good about the fact that simply by avoiding sugar, I've become much more mindful of what I put in my body, and I am eating so much less processed food in general.  I don't miss sugar enough to trade it for this healthier lifestyle.


So, September:

This month I am going to be focusing on my financial well-being.  It's been a bit of a tough summer in that regard.  Lots of travel, a water leak in the house in Bedford leading to doubled water bills, all of our "big bills"-- gym membership, insurance, house improvements-- hitting all at once... all this has conspired to leave me with a balance on my credit card for the first time in about 8 years.  Sigh.  I am NOT happy with this.   In fact, I am feeling rather stressed about it right now.  But stressing over a problem does nothing to solve it.  One must take action.   I intend to pay off  that balance in the very near future. However, as my near future does not include either a raise or a sudden influx of money, this will require something drastic.  Reducing my spending.  Oh, the horror...!

Taking a cue from the success of an across the board, drastic, rule-based change in August, this month I will use cash only for all of my incidental spending. I am giving myself a budget of $200 per week, to be withdrawn on Sunday and to cover any expenses that occur before the next Sunday.  Excluded will be all bills (which already come out of my checking account through online bill pay) and gas, which is an unavoidable expense and which can't be bought on sale or "off-brand", and which will be paid for with my debit card.  Other than that-- no credit card use.  The travel miles we are earning on that thing just aren't worth carrying a balance on the card.  It's being retired til the balance is paid off.

Wish me luck on this one, people.  We have an incredible amount of food in our pantry (which we really ought to eat anyways!) so I think the children are safe from starvation.  And I can actually put some thought into when and where and how I buy the necessary things for our lives, for a change... on a cash-based, tight budget little savings will really count.  I think we will be all right.

August 25

Life has been getting in the way of blogging. Too much summer fun!! Or at least that's a convenient excuse....

School has started this past week, though, and after surviving a week of exhaustion and excitement and frustrations with schedules, I can feel myself settling into the "less is more" mentality about free time that only exists when I am extremely busy. 

Hence-- a post!

How's it going, you wonder?

In the face of all that summer fun and return-to-work stress, I must say I think my 30 days challenge is going remarkably well.  In fact, its almost been nice to have my rules to cling to through it all.  A bit of consistency and focus in an overwhelming month...

I've lost 7 pounds since the beginning of the month.  For a week or so I was dismayed to find that all this self-discipline was bringing no change at all, and then only enough to get me back to where I was at the beginning of summer (July?  Not so self-disciplined, it turns out).  But now, with a week still to go, I am happy to note that I have passed the 150 mark on my slow plod towards a goal weight at or below what I weighed in college. (Side note- on my 35th birthday I made the decision that there's really no reason I can't be in the best shape of my life at 40.  OK, there's lots of reasons, but that's now a goal in the back of my mind...)

It's not been all wine and roses this month.  Forgoing sweets at birthday parties makes one feel like a real scrooge, for example.  Its been ridiculously hard to find bread, breakfast cereals and crackers that are sugar free.   This has surprised me as I've never thought of them as particulary "sweet." And, I've had to break my rules a few times for salad dressings, of all things! And for pizza.  Because I have neither the foresight to bring my own food to pizza-serving events nor the strength of will to go hungry til I get home.

I've been rather hungry all month.  I think that's due to the unavailability of carbs in my life.  We don't tend to cook rice or potatoes or even pasta all that often.  Often it's a piece of toast or crackers that round out a meal. So my meal stays a little flat.  I've been snacking on nuts and fruit and homemade smoothie popsicles and while these satisfy in the short term they don't really fill one up.

But with more than half the month behind me, I find I'm getting used to it, and that feeling is, in fact, OK.  Maybe even better than the feeling I had after dinner at the Greek Festival last night  (we're just going to assume that those Loukomathes were sugar-free, OK?  The Greeks just use honey, right??).

And with more than half the month behind me I am really proud to say that I've not had candy ONCE.  And that I've gone a few days at a time without any "you know what I want right now..." thoughts. 

Thank you, rules.

Nat has been asking me what I am going to do next month (no clue yet) and that's gotten me thinking about what the end of the challenge will bring for my diet. 

I've been compiling a mental list of the things I really, truly miss:  jam, good bread and crackers, choices of breakfast cereals that don't taste like low quality cardboard, cookies, ice cream...

And then I've been thinking to myself-- how many of those things do I miss so much that I NEED to reintroduce them on September 1st?  Am I planning on having some sort of sugar orgy at midnight that day?  Going back to eating what I want, when I want... and feeling kind of bloated and grumpy a lot of the time?

And this morning, with the sun shining in the backyard and the memory of the "149" fresh in my brain, I am thinking-- none of them, really.

I may just have to keep this going.

Not as an official challenge-- that would be dull-- but as a way of life.

Revised rules may be in order.  For instance, leniency with salad dressings. And, foods with sugar listed in the "less than 2%" category.  And maybe, one dessert a week. But the rest of it?  I think I may be able to live with it.  Ideally, for a long, healthy time...

August 8

Today was a craving day.  An open-the-fridge-hoping-to-find-something-that-wasn't-there-before kind of day.  A hungry day with a long stretch from early breakfast at 5:30am to catch-all lunch at noon.  But a good day.  A day of eschewing pizza in favor of sweet potato tortilla chips, guacamole, and snap peas.  I find myself looking for new and interesting flavors to take the place of sugar and processed foods (I find that processed foods, for the most part, need to be left out).

A couple of "treats" I've enjoyed the past few days:

 A flour tortilla spread with a Tablespoon of peanut-cashew-almond butter, drizzled with honey, and rolled up to a tube of goodness.  Hard to eat just one...

A nightly snack of a popsicle-- homemade ones from fruit juice or cantaloupe and honey or berries and yogurt.

Smoothies!  With spinach!  A bit of yogurt, some frozen berries, some of whatever fruit I have around, a handful of greens, and voila!  Healthy and refreshing goodness.

I've been dismayed to find that I haven't really lost any weight from my week on my not-a-diet.. but I shouldn't be surprised as its not really a diet.  I continue to relish my half and half in my coffee and butter on whatever I please.  Fat carries flavor and I think helps me miss the flavors of sugar a little bit less.  But it does not lead to the lowest calorie of diets...

One step at a time. 

August 6

I am doing far better at my sugar-free diet than I am at updating this blog on a daily basis.

Sorry about that.

Today I was satisfied to find that Sunday breakfast can be just fine without syrup.  French toast made with fresh-baked bread and a touch of cinnamon, bacon, and some frozen berries simmered down into a compote.  The fact that the kids slept in later than Nat and I, and we had a quiet, coffee-sipping, newspaper-reading 20 minutes to eat before they joined us-- that was the (sugarless) icing on the cake. :)

Food court chicken Flautas for lunch, some leftover grilled sausage and salad for dinner...  not exactly a low-cal diet, but a satisfying one overall. With the notable exception of the chocolate-oatmeal cookies that everyone ate (and raved about) in front of me last night, I haven't felt like I've been missing out on much at all...

Twenty-four busy days to go...

August 2

Day two of a sugar-free month and the verdict is:  not too bad.

I had some fun shopping at Trader Joe's today, reading labels and finding a nice selection of packaged, convenient food that also appears to be wholesome-- and a lot of fresh produce, meat and cheese, too.  Because the surest way to eat well is just to eat real food, after all.

Thanks to feedback from friends and observations made in my two days of label reading, I am clarifying my personal rules.


Not at all:  Foods with any added sugar (by any name) in the first 5 ingredients.

Avoid when possible: Sugar or one of its friends as the last or second-to-last ingredient...alright if absolutely necessary.  Also, foods with artificial sweeteners because those aren't so great for us either.

Good to go:  Foods that come by their sugars naturally-- fruit, juice, honey, etc--  and packaged foods with no added sugar, by any name in the ingredient list.

Today's menu:

Light Whole grain English muffin with peanut-cashew butter and frozen raspberries on top

Iced coffee with cream (no sugar!)

Sushi from Trader Joes-- veggie tempura with brown rice.

Thai flank steak, grilled zuchini, corn on the cob, strawberries, salad. Passed on the cake for dessert.

Fruit juice popsicle, almonds and apricots for a snack.

Add to this a run this morning and gardening this afternoon and its been a good day.  Only a couple of cravings for a bit of licorice. :)   We can do this!

August 1

A new year of Thirty Days begins! 

I have good intentions on waxing philosophical about my experiences this past year, I really do.  But not tonight.  There are Olympics to watch and laundry to fold.  And I think maybe I need to just think about it all a bit more...


In the meantime, a new month and a new goal. I have put a bit of thought into the year ahead and I will be alternating between three overarching themes:  Physical Well-Being, Mental Well-Being, and Well-Being of Others.  I will be trying to take small, discrete steps towards those larger goals.

 For August I am going to be focusing on the theme of "physical well-being" by eliminating refined sugar (to the greatest degree possible) for thirty days.

Wish me luck on this one, people. 

I am pretty sure I have a sugar addiction.  Some people reach for a glass of wine when they are stressed, others smoke a cigarette.  I down a bag of licorice.  

This month will, I hope force me to be more mindful of my eating choices as I read labels and adjust my diet to follow this new rule.  (It's just amazing how many foods have sugar as one of the first 5 ingredients!  Spicy Pepper Spaghetti Sauce?  Really?  It's not even sweet!

Today has been a challenge already, mostly because it seems that most commercially produced breads, crackers, and cereal are right out, leaving me virtually carb-free for most of the day. I've managed to procure some sugar-free peanut butter and some diet English Muffins that have something called Sucralose way down on the list (is that even sugar) and I also had a few pieces of Mama Santa's pizza at Wade Oval Wednesday, so the day has improved.  Not too man cravings today, though it was interesting how many times I thought to just grab a quick snack, but then stopped to think about the sugar content, and moved on.

This could be good for me.

July 15

Still running.

We've slipped into Farley's mode around here... time has slowed down and slipped by all that the same time as our routine of not-doing-much has clicked along.

Morning run, shower, coffee and cereal on the porch.  Play with children.  Dress children (maybe).  Go out in a boat. Go out on the water. Go on some simple errand.  Eat. Read. Sit. Drink coffee.  Check Facebook.  Go out in a boat. Go out on the water.  Dress children.  Play with children. Snack.  Sit. Talk. Play with children.  Eat.  Sit. Talk.  Eat dessert....

Life is good.  And with all the eating and sitting that are going on around here, it is a good thing that my days start with a run.

I am feeling good with the running.  I've done 4+miles on about half of my days here.   Not too shabby.  This morning it was still and swampy out and my 3 mile plod dragged along.  But other days, when the air is clear with a lake breeze... I've almost enjoyed myself. 

I may be a runner yet.

I've been doing a cycle of 4 days on and 1 day off, with the day off to include "active rest".  Farley's obliges with swims and canoes and kayaks to fit that bill...

We are here for only 4 more days, which is shocking and sudden and almost devastating when I think about it... even though there is a little part of me that is ready to go home, this time of stillness and being and lake water has just flown by too fast. 

Also, Nat heads off to Winnipeg for 6 days once we return home.  And on top of my many worries about those days of "single parenting" is the question of how I'm going to continue my running-- not just at home and back to the grind of house-and-life-- but no way to dash off on my own in the early hours while someone else gets the children up.

There's always the gym, I suppose.  And the kindness of strangers.  Anyone want to come watch my children while I run???

July 6: Running

Closing in on a year of Thirty Days...  I've decided to come full circle and focus on running every day for the month of July.  Looking back over this year of mini-resolutions, I am glad I've done it.  Even if most of my thirty days ended up being more like fifteen.  Even if I, apparently, completely omitted June. The most successful months seemed to be those which did not require me to add any new activities to my day, but rather just increase my mindfulness.  I will bear that in mind as I head into year two...

Running definitely adds an activity to my day.  But the days in July are accommodating.  It is the one month of the year where time ceases to matter, where I don't set my alarm clock once.  Especially here, at the lake, where the Camelot climate forgives me for oversleeping, with lake breezes and gentle temperatures late into the morning.

Running also increases mindfulness.  Wonderfully.

Arriving at the lake can be overwhelming.  All this beauty, commanding me to enjoy it.  All this family, all these friends, ready with smiles and hugs and questions, commanding me to be social.  All the pressure!  It takes me a while to ease into vacation, but Farley's wants me to hurry.  I catch myself resenting it.  A green cloud of envy rises up as I look at all the other people who seem to be so very good at relaxing (they've just been here longer), whose children are so much better behaved (they're not, really), who must certainly be better people than me.  I catch myself sinking into negativity.  I am so good at negativity.  Sometimes I have a hard time shaking my embarrassing discontent with my (blessed) life.

And so, this morning-- a run up Hardy road.  Nothing like a nearly vertical hill up a brilliantly sunny country road to clear that green cloud away.  Lactic acid burning in my legs, lungs pumping and puffing out carbon dioxide along with any shreds of pessimism or doubt, breathing in light and life and profound gratefulness.  
Leveling out onto flat ground at the crest of the hill, I feel a sense of invincibility, and I am so grateful.  The sheaves of wildflowers that grace the side of this road have been cut down already this year, but a few brave stragglers remain and sing out of the tenacity of life.  Heat radiates from the asphalt.  And I am grateful. Grateful that I have legs to run and air to breathe and a body that can sweat and ache and move; grateful for the green fields, for the glimpse of lake over that rise, for the baby swing in the apple tree, for the breeze and the heat of the sun on the side of my face; for all of it, for this achingly beautiful world spread out before me.

The beauty of the Hardy Road run is that, just as the profoundly grateful mood begins to morph into simply hot and tired, the route turns and heads into the most blissful downhill.  The road twists through the woods, shady and dense with the smell of forest floor.  And I am grateful for the cool air and the pounding of the hill in my knees and the fact that I can run right in the middle of this quiet, quiet road to distance myself from the crops of poison ivy growing on the shoulder.

This road drops you off about a mile from home, back on route 90... and my gratefulness shifts, to the fact that I am almost there, that I have landmarks to check off the distance as I go, that semi-truck downdrafts might happen at any moment and bring me a blessed moment of cool, that I've made it this far without walking.  Steady feet and even breath and I feel like I might just make these Thirty Days happen.

Tonight, my knees are sore. And my pants aren't any looser yet.  But I am holding on to that sense of the possible, and letting it color my view of my children, the cottage, the day.  And my breathing is deeper and it's all just a bit brighter and I am looking forward to running in the morning.

May 17

Yanni is a very happy person.

That's what we learned tonight.

Also, there is such a thing as a flugelhorn.

And dueling violins?  They're totally awesome.

Nat won us tickets to "An evening with Yanni" and despite our best efforts to ridicule the entire experience, we had a wonderful evening indeed.

Highlights:

Playing "Yanni/not Yanni" as we watched a vast array of people stream into Playhouse Square.  It is fairly easy to identify the Yanni demographic, but there were a few suprises as we headed into the Palace:  the pregnant mom toting a two year old heading into the front row, the young asian couple, the hipsters who seemed to have been misplaced from the Trailer Park Boys show one theater down.

Watching all those old white people groove to the rhythmic, sweeping beats; slight bobs of the head, a sway here or there, the slight rustle of all that conservative clothing.

The splendid colatura soprano vocalizing her way through "the Nightingale"

The free street parking we found, just one block away from the teeming $10 lots of the theater district.  Totally worth the walk across the deserted bus station parking lot, especially as it allowed us to buy ourselves a drink, guilt free.

A facebook friend noted that she had found watching a Yanni show to be a "strange and wonderful" experience.  Beer in hand, sitting in the opulence of an historic downtown theater, watching a joyful long-haired man in white yoga pants bounce and turn between two stacks of keyboards, surrounded by sublime musicians and an ever-changing light show, I was inclined to agree. 

May 15

Writing every day is difficult.  Life gets in the way and those moments you most want to write, you are least able.

That is my whining for the evening.

Now on to writing.

I took the day off today.  A personal day, which somehow implies a free day.  Yet it is 10:45pm as I settle in to writing position, considering my time free only just now...

It was a lovely day, if a busy one.  A glimpse into what life might be like if I didn't have to work, and it was an ideal world at the same time.  Nat got the kids up and running as I went down to school to work with a student I am tutoring, and then to the gym on the way home.  He then delivered the children and a large tote bag of swimsuits to me and I took it from there.  We swam, got lunch, and got Jack to preschool.  Little girl and I went to the Botanical Gardens, where she requested that we go first to the "garden house" to see the butterflies and the turtles.  We picked Jack up.  Fourteen 4 and 5 year olds ran in circles around the playground; I nursed Ivy and talked with some of the moms.  We drove home.  We sat in the car while the kids slept.  We watched PBS and folded laundry.  We made dinner, and a banner, for the wonderful Nat who sent off the draft of his dissertation today.  The kids played in the sandbox and had a bath.  We had a dance party at the base of the stairs, read books, and snuggled four people into one twin bed at tuck-in time.

It was a lovely day. A simple day.  A day that leaves me feeling like I have nothing to write about this evening, because nothing out of the ordinary happened.  And yet I could write about anything.  About Ivy sweeping the floor of the little house at the gardens, and playing in the sandbox for half an hour at home, content to just be; about walking my dog around the block, the simplest thing in the world, but so imbued with joy and bright evening light as we greeted and talked and smiled with our neighbors, my beautiful dog trotting proudly ahead; about the pride and concern that mix in my mother's heart as my boy joined his class for circle time, seeing him so grown up and yet so small, wondering how life is going to treat him as he moves on in this world; about the simple pleasure of a a glass of wine and a conversation with my husband over dinner. 

Nothing happened today-- but today was everything.

May 10

I wrote on the 8th and 9th, I did.  Technical writing, I suppose you could call it-- present levels for an IEP and and Evaluation report.  Due to confidentiality I can't post the products of those writing sessions for you here.  Also, you would be bored to tears.

Tonight, something different.  In the midst of mad preparations for Ivy's party (read, wandering around the house wondering how in god's name it got so messy and how in god's name I'll possibly find time to clean it AND buy the remaining supplies AND festoon the entire property in rainbows all before Saturday at 4:00....) I think I need something different.

I used to write poetry, you know.  I remember enjoying it, quite a bit.

So tonight, a moment outside of time, to play with a poem.



watching you

slant-sun bright
on your face
as you balance

here in this
grocery store parking lot

surrounded by ordinary

trappings of life
comings and goings and cars
people downtrodden and laden
with paper bags and worries

here by this brick wall
radiant
with spring light

this pavement
edged yellow
a line stretching out

a hundred! 
your brother yells

all the invitation you need
for adventure

tiny shoes lined up
ready? 
you walk a tightrope
celebrating each step

here in this grocery store parking lot
you stop
smile
stumble
dance
catch your shadow as it
bounces off the bricks

here in this ordinary
errand and evening

you
are a song.

May 7

Springtime.  Love is in the air, and I am in love with my city.

This seems to be an annual event.  Between the sidewalk gardens and the flowering trees, the greengreengreen of the leaves bursting forth and the lavish colors of all those lovely homes fairly glowing in the sun, its hard to fight.  Rants about high taxes and low test scores, sidewalk litter and foreclosed homes-- all fade in the face of an afternoon like this one.

Today, children of all races and creeds came together at Peace Park and laughter and music filled the air.

No, really.  

That all happened. 

We were there to see it.

Jack and Ivy and I stopped by the park on our way to the library and we joined an assortment of children already climbing and sliding and playing up and down the hill.  There was the little brunette in the hippie skirt with the ever-so-patient long-haired father, waiting at her side as she investigated a puddle.  There was the striking black woman, impeccable and gorgeous and rather unbelievable in her leopard print open-backed tunic, leggings, and stiletto yellow heels, attentively watching her three equally beautiful tiny ones run.  There were the orthodox Jewish boys in full regalia, dark skinned and dark eyed, their father's voice rich with a vague accent.  A heavyset young mom impersonated an alligator with surprising vivacity and chased a group of children, only one of who could have possibly been her own.  A patient black grandfather kept up with a toddler boy on a big wheel thanks to a rope tied to the back of the little bike. Two teenage girls pushed their siblings in the tire swing and laughed as much as the little ones. The children, color-blind as always, joined and left each other's games with the delicious fluidity of youth.  The adults (dazzled by the sun?) smiled in passing, chatted softly, looked out for one another's children.  

On two benches to the side of the playground, just at the crest of the hill where the evening light meets the grass, a mixed group of teenagers gathered.  A black boy picked up a guitar and played and the other kids laughed and sang and flirted and not one of them littered at all. 

As we walked toward our little library where all of the staff know my children by name, I listened to all the music of the evening on Coventry.  Cars rushing, stopping; people gathering, walking, waiting; strangers and neighbors sharing sidewalks; birds greeting the coming rain.

This is why we live in Cleveland Heights.  

May 6

A day late.  I know.  But I wrote it in my mind last night.

Bach is sublime.

The chance to sing, experience, revel in that sublimity for two hours last night?  An honor.

As the final chord of the Gloria rang out and we sat down for the next solo, I looked out to the audience and regretted that my children and my husband were not there.  It was not an option for them to come this time, not really.   Sitting quietly through two hours of music, even Bach, is a lot to ask of little ones, especially when the concert begins precisely at their bedtimes.  But I would love to see if the music sings to their souls the way it does mine.  I thought to myself, I ought to play the CD for them at least, sing along perhaps. But as I involuntarily swayed to the melodies drifting up from the orchestra, I realized what a poor substitute that would be.

The truest power of this music is the way breath brings it to life.  The organic work of breathing together, of 85 pairs of eyes trained on the director, attuned to signals, hands, bows moving.  The beat becoming a presence among us as hour hearts beat in time to the 16th notes.  Voices building on the voices around them, listening and tuning and growing, stressing and pulling back, giving meaning to the text, transcending language.

We really sang the mass last night, just gave in and sang it.  The notes may not have been perfect but the music was glorious.  Alive.  Resplendent.

I am so lucky.

May 5

A birthday letter to my daughter.

She will be two on Tuesday. Imagine that.

Ivy, my girl, my heart.  You are so vibrant and bright in our lives.  You have added so much laughter to our days-- your smile and your giggle, your dancing and your sillies, and now, at two, all the things you say!  You are a born comedian, a joy-bringer, a dramatic and opinionated young lady who is impeccably polite and surprisingly tidy.  Already you have the world figured out and you know how you want it to be, from the shoes you wear to how we cover you with your purple fuzzy heart blankie at night.  You still love to nurse and sneak in snuggles in the wee hours, even as you are fiercely independent by day.  You have to do anything your brother does and keeping up with him is, I think, helping you to grow up all the faster.  This year has flown and all of a sudden we don't have a baby in our house anymore.  You are a little girl, a surprising and wonderful little girl, a breathtaking beauty and a laugh a minute.  We love you so very very much, dear Ivy.
Happy Second Birthday!

May 4

We are watching Into the Wild tonight.  I've read the book, in Joyce Dyer's Creative nonfiction class at Hiram.

Funny that, I was just at Hiram tonight.  Standing in a too-hot room in the new Writing House on Hiram Hill, feeling rather unsettled and out of place, not at home in that place that was once my home.  

I went to attend a reception for Joyce Dyer's retirement, a retirement that means another piece of my Hiram is shifting and leaving.  It was not an easy moment, standing in that room.

But then-- the words about her.  Glimpses into the life and the career of a brilliant writer and a gifted teacher and a woman who is loved, loved, loved.  Luscious poetry was quoted and impossibly young college seniors testified to the impact Joyce has had on their lives. And-- one more lesson on writing, on craft, on life, from Joyce herself. 

To bask in the luminosity of her words!  I wish I could be a student again, sitting around a seminar table in that tiny upstairs room, being brilliant and young and full of potential. 

But Joyce, too, had her years of motherhood, of putting her writing ambitions off to one side while she did the business of living a beautiful life, raising a son, tending a marriage.  

And because the world is wide and life is rich, she continued to grow into the professor who helped shape my life.  And because the world is wide and life is rich, she is heading off to immerse herself in words and workshops and all the opportunities that come her way.  

The world is wide and life is rich and I am on fire to write about it. 

May.

I will write every day. 

May 1

May Day!

M'aidez!

Its a new month and I don't have a new 30 days ready!

April simply flew, and there is a certain rainbow-themed birthday to plan for, and my mind and my time have been occupied.

And so dear readers, send me your ideas!

For tonight, a moment of gratitude.



This was in the staff bathroom today.  A beautiful reminder in the midst of OAA testing week.  In the midst of the frustration and schedule changes and angry children and stressed out teachers-- we can just be grateful for everything.

I am grateful for my colleagues and my students and the brave perseverance they show in adversity.

I am grateful for my children, who ate dinner well tonight. They even said "Yum!" About green beans.

I am grateful for puppies, for softness and newness and the excitement of it all.

I am grateful for May and the hope of warmth and spring returning.

I am grateful it is almost summer vacation and at the same time I am grateful for the time I have left of this school year. It has been a good year in spite of itself.

April 26

We could all come up with plenty of stories of people who cramp our style, people who arbitrarily limit our self-expression. But today, tell us a story of someone who did the opposite. Who helped you *expand* your style? Who helped you find ways to be more yourself than ever before? 

A one word answer tonight:  Jen

 

April 24

Think about your personal style, your own distinctive way of doing things. What are the common threads that tie your style together? How would you sum up your personal style in four words or less? *This week's theme is your personal style.*


Style brings automatic connotations of fashion.  My fashion style in 4 words?  Easy, wash'n'wear, neutral, fuss-free 


Is there more to style than that?  Would "wash'n'wear" be a common thread that ties my whole style together, that defines my persona?


Maybe.  Just maybe. 

April 20

Some environments tend to support your strength of character, and other environments tend to undermine your best intentions and lead you astray. What is one place in your life where it seems to be easier for you to be a better person? This week's theme is character strengths and virtues.


 I think this question is almost too easy to answer, what with being a teacher.  There is nothing like working in an environment devoted to the emotional, moral and intellectual development of children to make one be on their best behavior. In that place, I become that virtuous role model, whole-cloth.  My best self, in theory-- but only one dimension of the true me...

April 17

Think of character strengths, such as loyalty, integrity, perseverance, discipline, resilience, boldness, creativity, teamwork, courage, and responsibility. If you had to pick one, which of these is your strongest trait? And which is your weakest area, the one you would most like to improve? This week's theme is character strengths and virtues.


Out of just those listed (and let's keep it to those, thanks; time is short and the world of character traits is wide...)


I would have to say my strength is creativity.  Certainly that's the one I have the most fun with, and have claimed as my own for the longest.  Creativity manifested in the arts, yes-- writing, singing, drawing (I did that, too, once upon a time) but also a bit of an impractical visionary streak that comes out in my vague notions of how the world ought to be, or how it could be if we just...moved that.... there.... no, wait, maybe there....?  Creativity, dear strength of mine, you are not always the most efficient of virtues.


What would I like to improve?  Tonight, cowed by the fact of having two sick children, and attempting to deal with my phobia of vomiting while still being a mother to my ill daughter, I would have to say I'd like to get myself some more courage.  At various moments in my life I've found reserves of resilience and perseverance and even boldness (three other areas I might cite as needs-improvement) but the times of which I am least proud, the situations that have left me frozen or powerless or embarrassed and have left negative imprints in my impression of myself... those are the times when I needed courage.  


I tell my son that being brace means trying something even when you don't want to.  Even when you're scared.  Courage, I tell him, does not mean you're not afraid.  You just go on anyways.  


I think that's solid advice, don't you?  Now, to follow it...

April 16

Tell us a story about an unexpected shopping triumph. Where were you when you stumbled across something rare and special, or got something you needed or wanted at a laughably low price? 

If you know me, you know I have a bit of a substance abuse problem.

That substance being, namely, kids' resale events.

I just can't get enough:  all those clothes, all so cheap!  Toys, toys, toys!  And the promise, ever-elusive, of finding the perfect bargain, the ultimate "steal," THE thing that will make my life easier and make my children's future lives more fulfilling...

I'm still searching for THAT, but in the meantime our playroom is overflowing with toys, toys, toys and our storage closet is gradually filling with bin after bin of outgrown, wonderful clothing... all of them something special....

April 13

The ancient hero Hercules proved his strength by singlehandedly cleaning up some notoriously filthy stables. What is your claim to fame in the annals of cleaning? What monumental cleaning task did you take part in? What impossible stain did you expunge? What epic mess did you clean up? This week's theme is dirty and clean.


Monumental cleaning tasks...  besides my kid's playroom?  :)  


When I was in college I went on a Habitat for Humanity service trip to Camden New Jersey. It was an amazing week, in so many ways.  We were rehabbing crumbling townhouses-- pouring concrete for soffitts, rebuilding brick walls... and cleaning.  Taking out the debris of decades, boards and nails and dust dust dust.  Glowing through the dust was the promise of new life-- for the people who worked side by side with us toward their dream of a home-- and for the house itself.  For those beautiful old bones still standing tall, for those arched windows with their proud proportions, narrow rooms and the way the light slanted in.  Sweeping those floors, I fell in love with the intoxicating promise of renovation, vision of glory rising out of the decay.  I've never looked at old houses the same way since. 

August 9 and 10

Which would suit you better: working in a place where everything is perfectly clean and tidy, or working in a place where making a mess is accepted or even part of the job? This week's theme is dirty and clean.

I love working in a place of cleanliess and order, surrounded by peaceful clear surfaces, bright colors, filtered sunlight and modern design.  

That said, I am sadly not a tidy person.  I am piler and a procrastinator and I can barely keep my desk clean for a moment.  I would probably do well in a place where a mess is part of the job, particularly is the space is designed for such messes.  An art studio, for instance.  My classroom, sadly, is not one of those spaces.  And so I will continue to strive, and rearrange my piles, seeking order. 

What the dirtiest or messiest room in your home right now? And what's the cleanest or tidiest room? This week's theme is dirty and clean.

Right now??? After two trips to IKEA in one weekend (don't ask)??  This is a tough question.

Right now the cleanest room is the living room, as long as you don't look toward the foyer where we've gathered the detris of a lot of furniture assembly.  We've very recently moved, removed, assembled, moved, removed, and reassembled a number of couches here, and so the floor has had a chance to be swept and mopped in places it didn't know existed.  The new couch, finally happy in its spot, is raised on legs with a space underneath to showcase future dustbunnies for all the world to see.  Somehow, I am imagining that this will keep the room cleaner...?

DIrtiest place?  As always and usual, the basement.  I still harbor a secret dream of just backfilling the entire basement with concrete.  A slab foundation would be preferable to the pit of doom we currently have under our house.  Barring that drastic measure, I also dream of a day wherein I remove every nonessential item that is not stored neatly in a rubbermaid, and paint all the walls and the floor a uniform glossy grey.  Somehow, I am imagining that this would keep the basement cleaner....

A girl can dream.