Rise Up

It has been a hard 24 hours, to say the least.  Last night our world was rocked by a shocking and appalling election result and my friends and I -- along with all people who belong to any possible minority group in the US-- are nearly-paralyzed with fear for the future of our country and those we care about.  We have elected to the highest office in the land a man whose top 5 priorities include repealing the Affordable Care Act, building a wall on the Mexican border and waterboarding terrorists.  A man who will shape our Supreme Court to allow him to turn back the clock on social progress a good 70 years. I am heartsick and ashamed to be an American. For 24 hours I have been grappling with my feelings of despair and anger and hopelessness.  I have been struggling to reconcile my values (kindness) with my gut reaction to the supporters who voted for him (hate and anger and a desire to expel them from the United States).  I have been reconfiguring my world view, adjusting paradigms, weighing the desire to flee against the need to protect and preserve. I could not sleep last night, waiting for the final verdict.  Every time I closed my eyes, my mind began racing and my body began shaking and instead I just got up and turned to the online community of "Pantsuit Nation," 3 million strong, a safe haven of like-minded voters and fearless feminists.  We held one another's virtual hands til dawn.

Twenty-four hours later, I am feeling better.  I am calm and able to breathe again.  I am tired, but OK. I have noticed this before in other times of stress and fear-- it is hard to maintain such an extreme level of emotion for very long.  We seek to regain equilibrium, find a new normal within the anxiety, look for footholds and actions that give us a semblance of control.  The helplessness I felt last night-- I think that was the worst.  Passively watching it happen.  Powerless to do anything-- polls were closed, it was a done deal.  No recourse for 4 long years, disaster possible at any point...

There is no way I could live with that feeling, long term..

With the help of my 3 million new online friends, I am climbing up out of the hopelessness.  Reclaiming autonomy.  Choosing to see opportunity.  Instead of being handed victory, we are charged with resistance.  We are morally obligated to take action, to speak up, to obstruct and challenge and canvass and sign and volunteer and advocate and protest.  To rise up.

We are choosing to be powerFUL.

It's going to be a process.  Along with so many of my (white, liberal elite) friends, I am taking a bit of time to wallow in the shock and dismay.  I am letting myself read articles that scare the shit out me (though I WON'T listen to the news!) so that I can let the fear run its course. I am dropping to the level of the enemy by calling them the enemy and getting really really pissed off at them.

But I don't intend to stay here. Dismay, hate, mourning.... part of the process but not part of the solution.

What IS the solution?

I have no clue.

I don't know how to fix any of this!!!

But I know that I have to at least try.  Put forth more effort!  I know that haven't done enough.  I've sat back in the luxury of all my white privilege, the comfort of my lucky life, and assumed it would all just work out in the end.  Lots of other smart people were in charge.  The future would unfold in a logical way.  I would exercise my civic duty, vote on the side of history, and carry on.

We thought we'd elect Hillary to look out for us.  She would smash the patriarchy for us!  She would protect the vulnerable!  She would promote equality and straighten out that dysfunctional federal government of ours, no problem.  She's a rock star, after all.  The best person for the job.

Well.  It turns out, we're going to have to do all of that for ourselves.

So-- today is day 1.  I am taking charge.  I am making change.  I am starting with myself.  Them I am going to give to others.  Then I am going to head out into my community and give some more.  Then I am going to find a way to use my gifts and energies to advocate for those who do not have privilege to hide behind.  And then I am going to change the world.  I am going to have faith that I will find the way when I am ready for it.

I'm bringing this blog space back to life to chronicle my journey.  I think it is going to take longer than 30 days.  I don't think I will write daily-- at least not for long.  But I think I will need some accountability here.  Once the anxiety fades and I start to slip back into my comfort zone and the safety complacency, I will have a written record to spur me on.

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Day 1 accomplishments:

Connected and shared my evolving emotional state, in real time,  with 3 million new friends on Pantsuit Nation.  Blew up my Facebook feed with updates on threads and comments and shares.  Joined 3 other feminist action groups with my new friends.

Wrote a large number of sappy posts to share my emotions and intentions with the world.  (see captures below).  Realized that my emotional state and intentions do not really line up.  Realized I need to be patient with myself about that.

Woke up and showered.  Put my contacts in.

Showed up for life (which somehow went right along) and taught a full day of school on 2 hours of sleep.

Signed up to help 3 families through Holiday Hands.  Signed an online pledge to advocate for women of color.  Searched out and saved a number of links for volunteer and service opportunities near Cleveland.

Hugged my kids and plastered them with kisses.  Hugged my husband for a nice long time. Had an exceedingly normal family dinner.  Made plans to write letters to Hillary with the kids tomorrow.

Ate a totally great, healthy diet all day except for when I totally ate almost all of the candy I had stashed in my classroom "store" for my students.  oops.

Took Ivy to ballet.   Smiled for real watching her dance with her friends-- of all colors, all religions and nationalities) in our community center, surrounded members of my (reliably blue, beautifully diverse) community.  Walked a mile on the track.

Expressed my gratitude for my friends on Facebook.  Expressed my continuing desire to maybe just move to a commune in a foreign country. Expressed my desire to be kind and do more.

Snuggled kids before bed.

Vacuumed.

Talked with my mom.

Snuggled my pets.

Wrote this post.


I think I have done enough for today.  Off to bed.  There is work to do tomorrow.

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Facebook posts written between 11pm on the 8th and 10 pm on the 9th.  I did not copy here the insane number of comments I posted.  Can I tell you how great it was to be able to give instant feedback and get instant feedback on that online forum in the middle of the night?  SO many people, all in it together, all being so kind to one another, all speaking the same emotions.  It was the only thing that kept me sane for a few hours...

(in time order.  First posting was when it became apparent that the election polls had been WAY way off....)

Can't watch. Never did like horror movies. Going to go read a book and start planning my emigration. Or the revolution. Or... something. Ashamed of Ohio right now. 


Still up at 3 am.  final results nearly in..


Exhausted. Can't sleep. When I close my eyes my mind starts racing. Who's up with me? I need to be at work in 5 hours- tomorrow is not going to be fun. On any level.


5am.  Done deal.  

I will tell my kids: we will need to fight harder. We will need to love more. This does not define our family. We will need to be the change, every day.

Revised public post.

I will tell my kids: .
We will need to fight harder.
We will need to love more.
This does not define our family.
This is not the outcome we wanted, but America is still our country.
We will not turn our backs.
We will keep each other safe, and speak for those who may be silenced. We will live our values and act as leaders, and not bow to the power of fear or anger. We will be better than that.
This does NOT define our family, our friends, our schools, our community, or the country we believe in.
We will not let it!
We will need to fight harder.
We will need to love more.

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healding out into the real world...

Ok. Feet on the floor. Head up. Eyes up. Time to get up. We have work to do.

After getting my coffee..   Virtual friends in a "secret" moderated group = safe and cozy!!!  Real world = scary!!

OK. Deep breath. My intention today is to greet the world with kindness and love. But when I walked into Starbucks this morning, I could not look anyone in the eye. Because I don't know who they voted for. And I could feel myself succumbing to anger and fear. Reminding myself: most of the people who voted for him are not bad people. They are scared people. Which means they need my kindness even more. This is going to be really hard.

At work...

Arrived at work. Saw a student-made anti-bullying poster on the wall. Thought to myself, "How will we teach that message to our children, when America just elected a bully as president??" Started to cry.

So, readjusting my goals fo myself for today: Survive. Think about kindness. Be patient with myself. Huddle together with my like-minded loved ones. Seek strength.
Tomorrow: Start changing the world.

Bad employee... I was totally on facebook all day.  Except when I was teaching surprisingly dynamic and successful lessons to my kids, that is! 

I saw a powerful post about what a woman planned to tell her daughter-- to paraphrase: yesterday we thought we would elect Hillary, and she would look out for us and the people we care about. Today we realize we are going to have to do that for ourselves. For each other. We will take care of each other.

Thoughts as of 5pm tonight. 

So, I have decided to swear off of all broadcast media for the foreseeable future. Because it turns out I never want to hear the voice of a certain president elect, ever again. This means that during this tumultuous night and day, all of my interactions with the larger world, and updates on current events, have come from my Facebook feed.

I am experiencing intense emotions about my Facebook feed right now. It turns out, I have created quite the safe, liberal enclave for myself on here. My feed is full of nothing but posts from articulate, intelligent, freethinking, kind hearted, liberal and loving people. As I scroll through, I am struck by the fact that you couldn't find a better collection of human beings anywhere. They all amaze me, inspire me, and fill me with gratitude and joy for the privilege of knowing them. But! The posts from these wonderful humans – they are full of despair, anger, so much fear. Just like my own. And I am so angry and hurt about seeing my friends angry and hurt! And I am so scared for our world, that there can be a turn of events which leaves the best minds and hearts in society reeling and paralyzed. Not cool, America. Not cool.

My only hope, as I check notification after notification, reading one thoughtful post or article after another, is this: if all of these brilliant minds and good hearts can truly come together, truly energize, and work for change – how can we not make the world better?

In it for the long game with you, my friends and family. I love and believe in every one of you. We are mourning, angry, scared, and hurting. We are shocked and appalled. I hold onto the hope that we can use these emotions to rise up stronger.

(That, or we are going to form one really kick ass commune when we all move to that private island off the coast of Canada. Not quite ready to take that option off the table just yet...)