February 1

So I am thinking about doing something that may surprise you.

It surprises me, on a number of levels.

But I am still thinking about it and I just might do it and I feel like this is the space to work it out.

So-- I might be running a marathon.  As a spiritual pilgrimage.

Yeah.

A few levels of surprise there.

The marathon part probably not so much.  I mean, I'm signed up to run a half in May.  I finished 10 miles on Saturday.  I seem to be doing this distance-running thing, and a marathon seems to be the logical end-point to aim for.  Despite my scoffing about the "crazy people" who run marathons, it stands to reason that I might be one of them someday.  Maybe this fall, maybe not this fall, but someday.

The spiritual part might be a bit more surprising to many of you.  Not quite so much if you've known me since middle school.  Bible bowl champion, right here.  I was, for quite a few of my formative years, a pretty spiritual person.  Not just a regular church-goer and staple of my youth group, but a soul-searcher, a woods-wanderer, a dreamer and a true believer in that way that only a 12 year old girl can be.  I made crosses out of pieces of wood and placed them in sunny corners of the Wind River forests.  I talked to god and wrote in prayer and my spirituality was not tied to any theology and so it sustained me with ease.

Then I went through catechism, and encountered the concept of the Trinity and started questioning more than believing, struggling to justify a faith that no longer seemed to make sense.  Then I went to college and questioned even more.  Then I dated, and later married, a religious studies major and our questioning and skepticism became a way of life, a defining reality.  And my woods wandering became just a photograph in the archives of my childhood.

But of course, she's still in there, the seeker and the dreamer, the little girl who saw divinity in a beam of mountain sunlight.  And I miss her sometimes and wonder if I might find her again.

I don't get to the mountains too often these days, though.  Or even out of the house before 10am to go to a church.   So in the absence of these things, I've been reading blogs.  Cruising the intertron for entertainment and inspiration, like everyone else.  Photo blogs, mommy blogs, interior decorating blogs.  Turns out there's a lot of Jesus in the blogging world.  Perhaps having Jesus in your heart gives you more time on your hands?  Or just more to talk about...

I find myself reading these accounts of the godly life with the sort of curiosity usually reserved for car crashes or etymological research.  I am interested in these women, in their certainty, in the lives they present-- actions aligned with values, adversity faced with unshakable faith.  I envy them their sureness.

But that faith is not for me.  I have too many questions in my heart to turn it over to an unseen entity.  I have too much antipathy for the god of the old testament to think about living my life by his rules.

Then I found this guy.  Happened on a post of his on parenting that was going around facebook-- and spent the next 45 minutes engrossed in the rest of the blog.  It took me at least five posts to realize that this excellent dad-blogger, a fine writer whose humor and philosophy echo my own, actually is a pastor too.  A pastor who writes about spirituality with the same humor and gentle irreverence I found in the parenting posts.  I've been  following him for a while now and somehow the posts on this blog line up in just the way I need them to, from lists of ways to cope with snow days to musings on the purpose-driven life.

Last week, he invited readers to join him in training for a marathon, as a spiritual pilgrimage.  And like usual, the post spoke to me in that just-right way.  Seeking. Pilgrimage.  It fits.   I've no need for that old testament god at the end of the path, no need to install scriptures in my heart.  But I know I am still looking for something.  And maybe, putting one foot in front of the other, I can find out what it is.

Or maybe I'll just run a marathon.

Either way, that's something, isn't it?

Resolutions

Time to dust off the pages of this blog for the beginning of a new year.

A new year, all shiny and clean, so full of possibility.  A blank slate of potential.  Every year we're going to change the course of our lives, aren't we?  Take the world and 2014 by storm.

I am lucky to have some wonderful realists for friends, to keep me grounded.  Some of the best resolutions I've seen posted tonight include, "I resolve to be even more awesome," and  "I will lower my expectations to increase my chances for success."

I like these.   I do.

Yet I still find myself called to dream big, lured by all that pristine newness into believing all things are possible.

And so, an ambitious list of resolutions to start the year off right.

1.  Run a half marathon.  This one, I feel confident about.  I've even signed up for an event in May!  Putting my money where my mouth is-- $40 anyways-- so that should keep me motivated.  In 2013 I think I did well with the running overall, especially with adding a mile to my distance every month.  So, let's do this.

2. Blog better.  Let me be specific with my goal on this one, because specificity helps.  I want to try to blog at least 2 times a week (across the two blogs) and I want my writing to be more intentional.  Not just a recounting of our daily exploits and a collection of photos (lovely as those may be!) but really writing, delving into issues that matter to me or playing with language and structure.  Maybe not every time I write, but sometimes.

So, I'm pretty pysched about these two resolutions.  I think these are measurable and doable and will help me toward those more esoteric goals of "losing weight", "being more healthy," and "making time for what matters to me".  But to accomplish number 1 and 2, I will need to...

3. Be more intentional with my time.  Here's where my nice, measurable list falls apart.  Because this one is big, and it could take myriad forms.  What I am thinking about right now is some combination of less Facebook and more attention to each task at hand, less multi-tasking and more quality work, and letting some things rest (laundry, I'm talking to you) in order to make time for what matters.  Whew.

Finally, I really hope to...

4. Keep improving my attitude.  In 2014 I resolve to seek contentment, practice patience, revel in gratitude, and find joy in these moments that are my life.  And most of all I resolve to be gentle to myself when I fail on this one.  And to keep trying.  I am still learning.

Adieu to 2013.  A fine year indeed for our family, full of sunshine and happy changes and gentle contentment with our routine.  And welcome to 2014.  May it bring blessings to each of us as we all grow into our lives.

November 28

Today's the day.  Gratitude is flowing like a river over on the Facebook.  As I reveled in the positivity and grace that filled my newsfeed I found myself wondering what our world might be like if these were the words on our lips every day.

To quote a friend, may every day be an occasion to be thankful.

Today, though-- it did merit more than its fair share.

So much bounty today.  A house full of family, a long table filled with food and conversation, rooms warm and soft with voices and laughter. More desserts than we could handle.  Grown cousins sharing memories, young ones making new ones.  It felt good to be back in Grandma Gertie's house -- now Aunt Pat's house, updated and refurnished but still in so many ways the house of childhood visits, of hours spent playing with toys in the magical coat closet (the light turned on by itself when you opened the door! imagine!)-- eating trail bologna and chatting easily with my Strasburg family.  I may be partial but these are some of the best people I know in the world.  Kind, caring, funny and blunt.  You never have to worry about pretense with my family; what you see is what you get-- and it is all wonderful.  I loved watching Jack and Ivy get to know everyone.  They were at ease instantly.  Even Ivy, who has not been here since she was 6 weeks old, said as we walked in, "I remember this house!"

The only sad part of today was the knowledge that it has been 3 years since our last visit.

No excuse for that.

We've vowed to not let it happen again.

So tonight I am thankful for family, thankful to be a part of this group.  Thankful for all their welcoming hearts, for our shared memories.  Thankful for the chance for Jack and Ivy to play hide and seek with the next generation of cousins, to form their own new family bonds.

I am thankful for this day, for good health and good roads and a pretty, crispy, snow-covered afternoon.  I am grateful for a quiet walk through the Strasburg streets.  I am grateful for good food and good company and a quiet evening at home watching Dr. Who.  I am grateful for this day and the richness that is my life.

May we all keep this spirit of gratitude in our hearts, every day.

November 26

Last night's entry would've been a short one if I'd managed to blog.  Last night, I was grateful to have Nat back home.  Spent my blogging time happily chatting with him til past my bedtime.  So there.

Actually, there was lots to be grateful for yesterday.  Some of the highlights:

* the opportunity to get my children ready and off to school in the morning.  Routine and ordinary though it may sound, it was a gift.  I loved watching Jack skip off down the path, so serious about being on time.  And the cuteness factor in Ivy's preschool class is really out of control.

* a short and peaceful day at school.  Students who, despite the fact that they've been driving me crazy and I've been too short with them of late, said they'd miss me when I went to my conference on Tuesday.

* My too-kind co-teacher who surprised me with a perfect birthday gift.  As if working with her weren't gift enough.

Tonight, I am grateful  to have slept in until 7, the second morning in a row.  I am grateful for the opportunity to go to a workshop with one of my favorite co-workers, a day of learning and collaborating and drinking coffee with nice, cooperative adults.  I am grateful again to have my family all together, grateful that I do not have to single-parent all the time.  We are blessed with our partnership, Nat and I.  I am grateful for a coffee date, for companionable work together over an Americano.  I am grateful for family dinners in Lakewood and the gift of time to sing with my choir.  I am grateful that some of our pieces are really starting to come together, just in time for the concert.  I am grateful for the friendly and funny group of sopranos I am sitting with, and that my seat in concert order is in the front and on the end, my favorite place to sing.  I am grateful that the roads weren't any worse driving home, and that the world is soft and white and magical outside my window, as candles glitter within.  I love snow when I am not on the road with it.  I am grateful for this reminder that these upcoming holidays, stress and scheduling aside, serve such a deep purpose for me: a settling in, a slowing down, sheltering from the storm and pushing back the dark.  I am ready to greet this next month with a grateful heart.

November 24

Tonight I am grateful for a quiet day with my littles, for snuggling in with movies, for cooking and puttering about the house.  I am grateful for phone calls and Skype and the relationships my children have with all their grandparents.  I am grateful for dinner swap, as much for the tea and conversation as for the ready meals.  I missed everyone last week.  I am grateful that my husband is heading home tomorrow.  I like it better when he is here.

November 23

Tonight I am grateful for friends and playdates, for company on a snowy Saturday, for the wonderful refreshment of a really cold day.  I am grateful for the creativity of a good museum exhibit, for my kids, pretending and playing together, for their joy in all the moments of the day.  I am grateful for afternoon movies and kids snuggled on a couch and a few stolen moments to make the downstairs rooms sparkle.  I am grateful for the fact that most nights, I am looking forward to my husband's return home, right about now.  Absence certainly does make the heart grown fonder and I am grateful to be missing him only for a few more days.

November 22

Tonight I am grateful for my mom, who took over kid duty and had dinner waiting for me this evening.  Johnny Marzetti, no less.
I am grateful that Nat made it safely to Baltimore, that he gets to connect with so many wonderful people this weekend-- though I do wish I were there with him to see them too.
I am grateful that I have a husband who is so very missable when he is away.
I am grateful for relatively complaint students at school and a nice, uncomplicated outing.
I am grateful for quiet, tonight.